# 42, May 16, 2003

Missionary Bill Is a Wal-Mart Man

In the commerce of mass diaper purchase SSBSC Missionary Bill has learned that Wal-Mart covers more buttocks than Target. Read Bill's findings below:

"News From the Local Missions Front. Midway through the May 2003 diapers/emergency certificates campaign, it is evident that folks who shop at Wal-Mart are going to get a lot more diapers for their money than those who shop at Target. The lowest-priced (but quite adequate) brand of diapers at Wal-Mart costs 13.8 cents apiece; those at Target cost 17.5 cents apiece. That means we can get 20.1 per cent more diapers at Wal-Mart than at Target for the same amount of money."

PH hopes that Beautiful Mind Dick will check Bill's math and probabilities in his statements above. Later in the week Missionary Bill confessed that he had meant to write the following:

"Hi! My e-mail to you about the Wal-Mart Vs Target diaper-buying opportunity should read that you may buy 27.985 more diapers at Wal-Mart than at Target for the same amount of money. The Enron Corp. auditors caught this mistake today and wish to have it rectified immediately before the publication of PHA #42."

W. Simpson, CEPMITHRR3246, ENRON CORPORATION (Retired, Resigned, and Quit)

PH Comment: Does the above cause the reader to wonder if Missionary Bill had too much of Reverend Barbara's prune juice turned into 200 proof wine last Sunday morning? Whatever your conclusions, continue to contribute for the diapers and emergency Wal-Mart gift certificates for the benefit of ISH. Speaking of prune juice, last Sunday's brunch was a great success. Thanks to Margaret Oliver and others who organized and contributed to this healthy feast.

Shepson Kathy Has A Cousin in the Soaps

In last week's PHA, mention was made of Susan Lucci of "All My Children." Kathy Wade has a cousin who stars on "As the World Turns." Kathy wrote PH the following:

"Speaking of "All My Children" Susan, our family's one claim to fame is my cousin, Randolph Mantooth, who is currently playing a major role in the long-running soap, "As the World Turns." Randolph (for TV aficionados) was in the one-time TV hit, "Emergency" almost three decades ago. He played an EMT. He's the only Hollywood connection in our family (on my maternal grandmother's side). Just a little trivia."
Kathy

PH feels that Kathy could star in any Soap; maybe something like the PH fantasized "SSBSC IMB Blues" where Kathy would play an ordained Southern Baptist pastor who refuses to submit to any man and sings, "I am going to wash that man right out of my hair." Well, fantasy is often good for the soul.

The Secret Is Out All Over Town
That the Endowment Fund Is Sound

Finally, after many years the members of the Endowment Board educated those present on this past Wednesday night. Overlooking the revelation that the fund lost $600,000 during the stock market drop at the end of last year, the fund now stands at a little over $4,000,000. Apparently the committee has felt that revealing this information to the congregation might discourage contributions to the annual church budget. PH is of the opinion that members will more likely leave assets to a fund that is growing and strong as long as the members know about it. We learned that many worthy appropriations have been made by the Endowment Fund for the benefit of the church and its membership. Some examples are the sanctuary elevator, the church van, the Columbarium Memorial Garden, Dr. Slatton's retirement, a digital camera for the history committee, funds to help establish the church's website, internships for BTSR students and others that PH cannot remember such as total underwriting of Julia's Tuesday Night Club (sorry, just wanted to see if you were still reading). The only disappointment in regard to the twelve member Endowment Fund Board is that no Shepsons are members.

The Confederate Navy Is Afloat

Last Monday night at the RRCB Civil War Forum Shepson Carl Sizemore had every one dazzled with his knowledge of the Confederate Navy. Carl had more factual information on four sheets of paper and in his head than other experts had in a host of books. As one member stated, it was almost as if "Carl was there."

Prayer Rounds

PH is not aware of any new prayer concerns. We should continue to remember Wayland after losing his sister, the Mears Family, the Torstrick Family, Kim Dodson, Dot and Cecil Sherman, Terry Marsh's parents, Chester's father, Jessica Price-Vaughan, the Manor Bible Study Class, the Church Staff, the Pastor's Search Committee and those only known to you. One of those known to PH is Jenny Danielson who has stage IV cancer of the pancreas. For many years she has been the dynamic leader of the Triad Post-Polio Support Group in North Carolina. As so often, bad things happen to good people.

Kitty and Miller Have A New TV

There are no birthday or anniversary celebrations this week, but overheard at Julia's Tuesday Night Club was the news that Miller and Kitty visited a Circuit City store on their anniversary (May 6) and purchased a new TV. Miller indicated that he had to reach for his back pocket in order to purchase this 28-inch modern miracle. PH wonders who holds the remote? Their Beagle Joe is still recovering from an injury. PH wonders if Joe is allowed to watch the "Fox" Network?

A Little Bit of Vonda Will Brighten Your Day

Shepson Vonda has an unbounded wealth of jokes, witty sayings and humorous advice. Below is her offering on the "Twelve Days After Christmas." You have to pretend you are listening to Vonda's voice as you read.

"The first day of after Christmas my true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite,
Then with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas I pulled on the old rubber gloves
and very sweetly wrung the necks of all the turtle doves,
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The third day after Christmas, my Mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens to make some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake, for their language was obscene.
The five gold rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn't lay,
I gave the whole darn gaggle to the A. S. P. C. A.
On the seventh day what a mess I found,
all seven of the swimming swans had drowned,
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect
I bundled up the eight maids a milking, nine pipers piping, ten ladies dancing, eleven Lords a leaping, twelve drummers drumming and sent them back collect.
I wrote my true love, we are through love, and I said in so many words, Furthermore your Christmas gifts are for the birds."

The Next SSBSC Social Is Set for June 28

The SSBSC Summer Social will be at the HH3 Farm in rural Buckingham County. PH's father purchased this farm in 1967 and for many years he was a weekend farmer until health problems slowed him down a few years ago. The Nicholas Family originally owned the farm for several generations. The house was built around 1870 and the 270 acres are spread over a scenic setting overlooking the James River across the river from Scottsville. On PH's last visit there three weeks ago, a pair of bald eagles had a nest in a nearby pine tree overlooking the river. The house has indoor plumbing, electricity and the yard has ample shade trees. More details about directions will be forthcoming in future PHA's. The trip from RRCB to the farm is sixty-five miles. Those of you who recall "The Walton's" TV show will experience a bit of déjà vu in this rural area of Virginia.

There They Go Again!

Last Saturday's Times Dispatch had the following article:

"Baptist dispute leads to 13 firings
Refusal to sign document a factor

BY ALBERTA LINDSEY
TIMES-DISPATCH STAFF WRITER May 10, 2003

Trustees of the Richmond-based International Mission Board fired 13 Southern Baptist missionaries who refused to affirm a new, more conservative Baptist Faith and Message statement.

It is believed to be the largest group of Southern Baptist Convention missionaries ever fired at one time. The names of those terminated were not released.

An additional 20 missionaries resigned and 10 more retired early rather than sign the document, according to the mission board. They join at least 34 missionaries who resigned last year in protest of the signing requirement.

The action was taken at a meeting of the board's trustees Wednesday and Thursday in Framingham, Mass.

Board President Jerry Rankin said: "We regret that any of our missionaries have chosen to resign rather than affirm the faith statement, but we feel it is time to move forward and keep our focus on sharing Christ with a lost world."

He added that he is grateful for the missionaries who signed willingly. Almost 99 percent of the board's 5,500 overseas missionaries affirmed the 2000 document.

Although the Baptist Faith and Message has been around in some form since 1925, revisions in recent years sparked controversy.

The document was amended in 1998 to say that wives should submit to their husbands. In 2000, it was rewritten to say women should not be allowed to be pastors. Also, a provision was removed that stated the criterion for interpreting Scripture is Jesus Christ.

Missionaries have said signing the Faith and Message statement amounts to affirming a creed, something Baptists historically do not do.

On the other hand, Rankin and other Southern Baptist Convention leaders have insisted the signing is necessary to assure Southern Baptists that missionaries are working within boundaries set by the convention."

PH Comment: Isn't it interesting that SBC missionaries need "boundaries" and yet our study of John has revealed how Jesus went about breaking down boundaries. Thus far, Jesus has turned water into wine (that's enough to rewrite the creed or the Baptist Faith and Message - 2000), talked to a Pharisee about being "born again," revealed his true identity to a multi divorced Samaritan woman, healed a chronic paralytic on the Sabbath, and most recently saved a woman caught in the act of adultery. Sounds like a lot of boundary crossing to PH and we are only in the eighth chapter of John.

This week's Religious Herald reports that the committee on nominations within the SBC has selected nine Virginians to serve on Boards or committees of the SBC. There are seven men and two women. Seven of the nine are members of churches, which exclusively belong to the Southern Baptist Conservatives of Virginia (SBCV). One is a member of a church that belongs to the Baptist General Association of Virginia (BGAV). The final selection is a member of a church that belongs to the SBCV and the BGAV. Is this a democratic representation of the Southern Baptists of Virginia or is this a blatant political selection?

If the reader takes a look at the new RRCB website, open "About River Road Church" and you will find a list of choices among which is "Affiliations." Open this site and the reader will read about RRCB's affiliations. These affiliations are listed as 1. Cooperative Baptist Fellowship, 2. CBF of Virginia, 3. Baptist General Association of Virginia and 4. Richmond Baptist Association. PH finds no listing of the Southern Baptist Convention. Are we clandestine members? Is it time for the church's Denominational Affairs Committee to meet and open meaningful dialogue?

Back to John

PH is not sure but believes that this Sunday we will return to the study of the Gospel of John somewhere around the middle of chapter eight. The larger question is whether Teacher Bob will revisit the adulterous woman? In addition to adultery if this woman is not submissive to her man or men and becomes converted and is called by God to serve as an ordained minister, will Jesus stop writing in the sand and throw the first stone? PH

Fun Photo

Attached is a photo of the "made men" of the SSBSC or the two Don's.

Poor Henry's Archives

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